I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
