you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
