Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We left the knife in your bed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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