Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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