FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize