when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
