His pubic hair was longer than his dick
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
