One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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