I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
