I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We smell like vodka and hangover
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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