I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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