The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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