my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
