she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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