i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dicks are not precious.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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