Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he fucked my hip out of place.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
