Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
