The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize