my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
