My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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