I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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