Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
