If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
