so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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