Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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