Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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