Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
