I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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