Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
