There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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