You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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