she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize