I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
