we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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