I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
