I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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