I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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