ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
