I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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