I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
