Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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