Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
