All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
