i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
