So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
