Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
