how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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