I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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