I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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