people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
