I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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