Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
