i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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