So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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