I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
