Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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