I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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