my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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