My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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