OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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