You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
