Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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