I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
