I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
