bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
