I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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