dude i'm inner monologue high
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
