I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
