Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize
